How to Mate a Saiyan
by SanSaru
Summary: Sick of their husbands constant fighting, Bulma and ChiChi decided to get them to behave, whether they like it or not. Only, things don't turn out exactly as planned...GokuVegeta Slash and ::gasp:: a plot? Sweet kami, what's that doing there!
1. Chapter One

A/N: Hello, everyone! This will be the first fiction done by the three wise(ass) monkeys! I am Iwazaru-san!

Kikazaru: Kikazaru-san!

Mizaru: Mizaru-san!

All together: WE CAN SLASH ANYTHING!!!

::everyone bows::

Disclaimer:

Iwazaru: ::sighs:: I'm too poor to own them...

Kikazaru: Besides, if I owned it, there'd be a WINGED BISHIE! And all the men would be having happy man-sex together! Yar...

Mizaru: ::turns away:: I'm not taking part in this insanity. Tell me when the fic starts...

Iwazaru: ::pouts:: cheapskate... Okay. So we're agreed on this. We do not own or receive royalties from DragonBall, DragonBallZ, or DragonBallGT.

Mizaru: But we're not going into DragonBall...whatever.

Kikazaru: It might...

Mizaru: No.

Iwazaru: ::chuckles evilly:: Who knows...?

Mizaru: This is getting long. Finish already.

Iwazaru: Should we put a disclaimer up?

Kikazaru: What for? It's in the summary outside.

Iwazaru: Yeah, but—

Mizaru: No more talking! English Major Mizaru, Special Attack! EDITING CHOP!!

* * *

**Chapter One**

"Bulma, it's so nice to see you again!" Chi-Chi said, setting tea out. "It's been so long since you've stopped by."

"I know," Bulma sighed, sitting down with an apologetic smile. "Vegeta's been in this training craze, Father's been in an inventing craze, Trunks has officially become a dating demon, and Mother is convinced that shopping is the cure to it all." She paused to smile. "Actually, Mother wasn't that wrong."

Chi-Chi huffed. "With your son dating so much, you're bound to get grandchildren anytime now." She cast a withering glare towards her son's room. "_Gohan _spends all his time studying. I don't think he's ever been on even one date!"

"Well, you did raise him to be a scholar," Bulma replied. "And besides—"

A shockwave interrupted Bulma, making to two women dive for the good china on reflex until it had passed. The two women breathed a sigh of relief before they glanced at each other. Chi-Chi's expression darkened before she turned to the door, a hand going out automatically for the frying pan hanging innocently by the door. Bulma followed close behind, a deep scowl pulling at her lips.

Outside, they were met with a singed lawn and two battered and bloody men. Goku sat on the ground, looking exhausted but happy while Vegeta stood over him with a victorious smirk.

"_Vegeta_!" Bulma yelled, starting towards her husband.

"Goku!" Chi-Chi echoed, raising her household weapon threateningly. "How many times do I have to tell you to keep your little fights with that man _away_ from the _house_?!"

Goku yelped as his wife administered punishment, bringing the thick pan down on his head with a solid _gong_. "I'm sorry, Chi-Chi! We were sparing and lost track of where we were! Honest!"

"I warned you about this, Vegeta!" Bulma hissed, glaring up at him. "I distinctly told you _not _to fight near houses._ Ours _in particular!"

Vegeta snorted, throwing her a contemptuous look. "I am the Prince of Sayians, woman! I will not take orders from some low-class—"

Bulma's eye twitched before she lost her temper. "Then you won't _eat_!" She screeched, poking him in the chest. "And you won't have your precious Gravity Chamber fixed!"

"You dare to threaten _me_?" Vegeta hissed. He raised his hand, opening his palm towards her. "I could snuff out your energy without even a thought."

Bulma lifted her chin. "You just try it, Vegetable-man."

"That's not very nice, Vegeta," Goku objected, standing up and dusting himself off. "You shouldn't threaten people."

Vegeta shot Goku a glare. "Now _you _think to give me orders, clown?" He smirked. "Need I remind you who won our last match?"

Goku laughed, one hand going behind his head sheepishly. "Naw, that's alright! You've really improved lately. I'm going to have to start really training again, or you might end up stronger than me!"

Vegeta choked indignantly. "I am already stronger than you, you idiot! I was going easy on you today!"

"Really? Wow, thanks Vegeta!" Goku grinned. "I was so exhausted after sparring with Gohan earlier that I couldn't really go full-out with you. We should spar at full power one of these days!"

Vegeta's black eyes glittered with the challenge. "Just pick your day, Kakkarott. I will be more than happy to show you once and for all why I am the Prince of all Sayians!"

"Oh, no you don't!" Bulma snapped, pushing Vegeta away from Goku. "Playtime's over for you, buddy! We're going home!"

"What?!" Vegeta snarled. "We just _got _here, you stupid woman!"

"Yeah, _five hours ago_!" Bulma agreed. "I promised Mother I'd have you back in time for dinner, and damnit, that's where you're going!"

A loud rumble interrupted them, and they turned to look at Goku, unsurprised. The dark-haired man grinned foolishly and rubbed his stomach.

"Hey, Chi-Chi, dinner does sound really great!" He said, looking wistfully at his wife.

Chi-Chi glared at him and hit him again. "And just what did you mean by saying that you were fighting with Gohan today?!" She yelled. "He was _supposed _to be studying all day!"

Goku's eyes widened and he clapped his hands over his mouth. "Heh heh. Whoops!"

"'_Whoops?!_'" Chi-Chi screeched, wielding her pan threateningly. "You're turning our precious little son into a...a hoodlum and all you have to say is _whoops_?!"

"Aw, but Chi-Chi!" Goku objected, backing away towards the relative safety of this house. "Gohan's a growing boy! He needs exercise!"

"Then he can do jumping-jacks!" Chi-Chi howled, chasing after him. She paused abruptly and turned back to Bulma with a kind smile. "It was lovely seeing you again, dear. Do try to make time in your schedule to drop by again and see me." She shot a glare at Vegeta. "_Without_ that man." She smiled again. "Have a safe trip home!"

Bulma watched in a sort of horrid fascination as Chi-Chi took off after her husband, screaming at him again. Then she turned to Vegeta.

"You know," she said slowly, turning with him to head back to the hover car. "After spending time here, it makes me appreciate things more at home."

Vegeta grunted an agreement and took to the air.

* * *

Bulma looked up as a low rumble shook the walls of her house and sighed, throwing down her latest invention. She glanced at the clock on the wall and stood reluctantly.

"I suppose I should be grateful," she grumbled, snatching up her capsule pack that contained her repair kit. "It did take him more than a week this time to destroy the Gravity Chamber."

"_Woman_!"

"_Shut up, Vegeta_!" Bulma yelled, throwing the door open and going out to their front yard to survey the damage. "I already have a head ache from the damn explosion. I don't need your voice to make it worse!"

"Then make the repairs quick this time," Vegeta snarled, storming away from the smoking wreck. "And it better be before nightfall!"

"Yeah, fine. Whatever!" Bulma snapped, storming over the debris. "Just don't bother Chi-Chi!"

"I do not take orders from some low class woman!" Vegeta snarled back, taking off. "Just fixed the blasted machine!"

"Just fix the blasted machine, he says," Bulma sneered, snapping open her capsule case and releasing the cleaning bots. "Get the rubble cleaned up," she told them, stepping over the mess to get to the remains of the door. "Maybe I can salvage some of the computer's core programming," she mumbled to herself.

She looked around at the mess and estimated that less than half of the chamber was left. With another sigh, she sat down to work. It would take hours to repair everything, but if she worked quickly, she would have time to finish up her newest invention inside before dinner.

* * *

"Ah! Bulma, here you are!" Dr. Briefs grinned, entering his daughter's lab. "I've been looking for you."

Bulma looked up from finishing her report. "I just got finished repairing Vegeta's training room. What do you need?"

He came over and set a small disk next to her computer. "I've been meaning to get this to you. There's a bunch of encrypted files that I couldn't decode, so I thought it would be a good project for you."

Her interest piqued now, Bulma picked up the disk and examined it closely. "What kind of encryption could it have that you couldn't have cracked it, Dad?"

He shrugged a little. "I took it from Vegeta's ship when I was renovating it that time. Sayian dialect is hard enough, but I just can't get past their safeguard."

Bulma smiled slowly, her light blue eyes sparkling with the prospect of a challenge. "I'll look into it, Dad," she promised.

"Have fun, dear," Dr. Briefs chuckled, turning to leave. He paused at the doorway and looked back to her. "Oh, and Chi-Chi called earlier, saying something about Vegeta picking fights with Goku again."

Bulma growled, clenching her fist in irritation. "That man...! I swear, one day..."

Dr. Briefs laughed. "Of course, dear. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, Daddy," Bulma murmured, already bent over her computer screen as she open the disk up.

"Now, let's see what our little Sayian Prince had to read in outer space," Bulma murmured to herself, her fingers working over the keyboard furiously.

Two hours later, Bulma sat back from the screen with a cheer. "Ha ha! I did it! They call that a safeguard? Psshh." She stretched for a moment before turning her attention back to the computer. "Okay, this had better be some good stuff."

Bulma looked through the folders carefully, discarding one after another as they failed to catch her attention. History...agriculture...galaxy maps...mating history... planets for purging...

"Woah, woah," Bulma went back two folders, her eyes lighting up. "What do we have here?" A click and the folder was open, the freshly translated page opening to her.

Bulma read through the file slowly, her eyes wide. Then she read it again, excitement rising. "This...this is..." She stood abruptly. "I've got to tell Chi-Chi!" A glance at the clock showed it to be half past four in the morning, and a yawn worked it's way free from the aqua-haired woman. "Tomorrow," she concluded.

* * *

Iwazaru: That's all for chapter one!

Kikazaru: Boring! Where's the good stuff?!

Iwazaru: ::frowns:: It's coming up! ...Eventually...

Kikazaru: Now!

Mizaru: No! Plot first! Then senseless sex scenes!

Kikazaru: ...Fine. There'd better be a winged bishie somewhere in—

Mizaru: Argh! Too long! EDITING CHOP!!!

Iwazaru: ::pokes head back in:: Review!

Mizaru: ::growls::


	2. Chapter Two

A/N –

Iwazaru: Yay! We have reviews!

Kikazaru: To The Chichi Slaughter House and hitchhiker1, I'm working on it.

Iwazaru: By the way, there will be as little character bashing as possible in this fic. I don't want to get them too out of character.

Mizaru: Also in response to hitchhiker1, Iwazaru is insistent on having some form of kitchen utensil flung at Goku's head in each chapter.

Iwazaru: Not _each_ chapter. Not the one(s) with Goku and Veggie—

Kikazaru: --having hot man-sex!!

Iwazaru: Err...yes. Besides, the frying pan is a classic!

Mizaru: More plot!

Kikazaru: No, more lemon!

Mizaru: Plot!

Kikazaru: Grrr...I say lemon! Random Bishie Summon! Winged Bishie Attack! Kamui, I choose you!

Kamui: ::is promptly molested by random passing Fuuma::

Kikazaru: Darn it...

Mizaru: Ha! It never works!

Iwazaru: But it looked nice...

Mizaru & Kikazaru: ::nods:: This is true.

**Disclaimer-**

Mizaru: As previously stated, we do not own DB-Z-GT. Also, Kikazaru does not own X/1999.

Kikazaru: ::pouts:: I don't?

Mizaru: No, you don't.

Kikazaru: Awww...

* * *

**Chapter Two**

"Gohan!" Chi-Chi yelled down the hall, juggling a plate overflowing with breakfast and a hot frying pan. "Hurry up! If you're late for school one more time...!"

"Coming!" Gohan cried, and a moment later rushed out of his room, mostly dressed. "Thanks for breakfast, mom!" he said reflexively, hopping up and down on one foot to get his socks on with one hand and tilting the plate towards his mouth with the other.

"Be careful on your way," Chi-Chi warned, handing him his shoes, "and don't forget to ask that Videl girl out!"

"Mom!" Gohan blushed hotly, gathering his things. "We're not like that! We're just friends!"

Chi-Chi glared at him. "I don't care! She's your best chance at giving me grandchildren!"

Gohan grinned at her feebly as he ducked for the door. "But, mom, you're way too young to be a grandmother."

Predictably, Chi-Chi's ranting stopped as she blushed and preened under his compliment. "Oh, Gohan...you're such a good son! Go on now, have fun at school with your little friends!"

"I'm off, then!" Gohan called from the air.

Just then, the phone rang, drawing Chi-Chi out of her thoughtful daze. Curious, she abandoned her cooking and went over to the vid-line. She hardly ever received any calls anymore...

"Chi-Chi! You won't believe what I've found!" Bulma crowed as soon as Chi-Chi answered the phone.

"Good morning to you, too, Bulma," Chi-Chi said pointedly.

"Yeah, yeah," Bulma dismissed propriety hastily. "Good morning and all that." She grinned widely and held up a small disk. "This is it, Chi-Chi! The answer to all of our Saiyan problems!"

"What are you talking about, Bulma?" Chi-Chi demanded. "What is that thing? A new invention?"

"No. Dad found this when he was modifying Vegeta's ship," Bulma said excitedly. "It's a whole bunch of files on Saiyan history and their charts to take over other planets!"

"And that helps us how?" Chi-Chi replied. "Bulma, dear, I thought we were trying to get our husbands to _stop_ fighting, not spread their fighting to other planets."

Bulma smirked. "Of course we are, Chi-Chi. And what better way to get them to stop fighting than distract them with—"

Bulma broke off suddenly, looking behind her warily. She turned back to Chi-Chi, keeping her voice low this time. "Listen, I can't talk about this here, where Vegeta might overhear. Where's Goku?"

Chi-Chi cast an annoyed look out her kitchen window. "Where else? Training in the woods. Probably with that giant green monster."

"Excellent!" Bulma smiled. "I'll be over there in thirty minutes. You won't believe it when I tell you!"

Chi-Chi was still skeptical. "It can't really be that great, can it?"

Bulma smiled slowly. "I've just got one word for you, Chi-Chi, 'grandchildren'."

"I'll put the tea on. I will expect you within the hour, Bulma."

"See you soon, Chi!" Bulma laughed, then hung up.

Chi-Chi busied herself with cleaning up, humming to herself cheerfully. She couldn't wait until Bulma got here and explained herself! What could that blue-haired genius of a girl have found in the Saiyan's history that would both get their husbands to stop fighting _and_ give her grandchildren?

It wasn't long before Chi-Chi had Bulma sitting once again at the kitchen table.

"Alright, Bulma," Chi-Chi said, setting down the two steaming cups. "I want an explanation. What's going on?"

Bulma grinned widely and produced a portable console, loading up the mating file. "Read this, Chi-Chi, and everything will become clear."

Chi-Chi eyed her suspiciously, but turned to the monitor just the same. Her eyes widened slowly, then her mouth dropped open. A light blush stained her cheeks by the time she had finished, and she turned to Bulma in awe.

"Is this even possible?" Chi-Chi breathed. "Saiyans can really..._do_ that?"

Bulma nodded. "I bullied Vegeta into letting me harvest a few blood samples this morning. I told him it was for an upgrade on the Regeneration Tank. It's true." She tapped the monitor. "Saiyan males have the dormant genes to carry children. And if this information is accurate, the full moon holds the key to awakening those genes."

Chi-Chi frowned at the computer, confused. "How does this help us?"

"If we can't get them to be friends, Chi-Chi, then we need to go one step further. You know how much Goku calmed down when you two married. Vegeta was the same."

"You want them to get married?!" Chi-Chi screeched, standing in protest. "To _each other_?"

Bulma eyed the older woman warily. "In...a manner of speaking. From what I've read about Sayian culture, there's marriage and there's mating. Besides, Vegeta told me once that they don't hold to monogamy the way we do."

"But..."

"And if Goku got pregnant," Bulma pushed, "you would have another kid to raise, not to mention twice chances for grandchildren."

"Hm." Chi-Chi sat down again, frowning thoughtfully. "I do love having children." She sent Bulma a sly look. "Even more so when _I_ am not the one having them!"

Bulma cackled. "Too true, Chi! So, we agree, then? The best way to get our men to stop their senseless bickering is to mate them!"

Chi-Chi nodded carefully. "But...how? I assume you do have a plan to make this work, Bulma."

"Of course I do! Who do you think you're talking to?" Bulma laughed. "Look, right here it says that the full moon triggers the mating urges for those who have control over their Oozaru transformations."

"But we don't have a moon anymore, Bulma," Chi-Chi said.

"Ah! But we _do_ have those seven little miracle balls," Bulma grinned. "We can wish back the moon and that they wouldn't be able to transform into those big monkey things." She held up a finger as she made her point. "The tricky part will be how to get the Dragon Balls without Vegeta or Goku getting suspicious."

Chi-Chi nodded. "That's true. We can't very well disappear for however long it will take."

"We need someone trustworthy," Bulma said. "Someone who doesn't talk to too many people. Someone who could gather the balls super fast. Someone..."

"Hey, Chi-Chi!" Goku called from the doorway, Piccolo just behind him. "Are there any snacks around? Piccolo and I just finished sparring and I'm super hungry!"

Chi-Chi and Bulma turned to each other, inspiration striking them, before turning back to smile satisfactorily at the large green man.

Piccolo shivered violently under the predatory looks the two human women were giving him and suddenly felt the need to be away from there. "Ah...you know, Goku... snacks are overrated. I think I will return to my meditations."

"Nonsense!" Chi-Chi snapped, halting the Namekian's retreat immediately. "Goku! Go gather some wood for tonight! You, giant green man, come here and sit down."

Sweat trailed down Piccolo's back as he looked from Goku's wife to Vegeta's wife. They smiled at him cheerfully, and he was suddenly hit with a premonition of inescapable doom.

He grabbed Goku's shoulder as the kind man went to leave. "Don't...take too long, Goku," he said warily.

Goku grinned. "Don't worry, Piccolo! I think Chi-Chi's starting to warm up to you! I'll be back in two seconds!"

And with that, the cheerful man vanished, leaving Piccolo alone with the two smiling women.

"We don't have much time," Chi-Chi warned. "Goku only takes about five minutes to split up a tree and get it all here."

Bulma nodded shortly and turned her attention on Piccolo. "Alright, Piccolo, we need your help."

"I figured as much," he said dryly. "What are you planning?"

"We're tired of our husbands fighting," Chi-Chi stated. "We've found a way to stop it, and you are going to help us achieve our goal."

"That's it? Just get Goku and Vegeta to stop fighting so much?"

Bulma nodded. "Good. So you agree that this is a good idea?"

"They're Saiyan," he said flatly. "You can't tell a Saiyan to stop fighting completely."

"Well, of course there's going to be..._tiffs_ every now and then," Bulma said.

Chi-Chi nodded. "After all, one cannot expect a perfect life together."

"And what is it you want me to do?" Piccolo asked.

"Gather the Dragon Balls," Bulma replied promptly. "We need to make a few wishes."

Piccolo sighed. He could see this ending very, very badly, with no way to fix it before a year's time. Still...it would be nice to get some peace and quiet after so long...

"Very well," he agreed reluctantly. "I will contact you in a day from Dende's Lookout."

Bulma cheered. "And so quick, too!" She pulled out her trusty old radar and handed it to him as they ushered him to the door. "And remember, Piccolo. Don't you dare tell Vegeta or Goku about this!"

"About what?" Goku asked, setting down the last of his load of wood against the house.

Bulma froze, her eyes darting to Chi-Chi. The dark-haired woman sighed.

"Goku..." she said, getting his attention. "Food."

Goku's eyes went wide with excitement. "Oh! Chi-Chi, can I have some dumplings? Oh! Pork-steamed rice! And fried fish, and..."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Bulma," Chi-Chi said dryly, leading the way inside.

"Yeah, bye Bulma," Goku said distractedly, following his wife eagerly. "Chi-Chi, what about—"

There was a frustrated growl just before Goku yelped and Bulma absently stepped out of the way of an old, battered rolling pin that hurtled through the doorway.

* * *

Ending A/N-

Iwazaru: I'm tired. Can I sleep yet?

Mizaru: No! Back to work, slave!

Iwazaru: Aww...but I'm _tired_!

Kikazaru: Too bad! ::stuffs a senzu bean down Iwazaru's throat::

Mizaru: ::cackles maniacally::

Iwazaru: k'so...I don't want this new wave of energy...I want to sleep...

Mizaru: So, tune in next month for chapter three—

Iwazaru: It won't take that long!

Kikazaru: It will probably take longer.

Iwazaru: Urusai ne! It's not all _my_ fault you know! ::glares pointedly at her two muses::

Mizaru: Well, we're blaming you.

Iwazaru: ...::sighs::

Mizaru: Besides, I edit promptly.

Iwazaru: ::glances over to the side:: Kikazaru, are you going to put them back?

Kikazaru: ::looks over to Fuuma and Kamui:: But they're so pretty!

Fuuma: ::grins and leers at Kamui::

Kikazaru: You know, speaking of kitchen utensils—

Iwazaru: No! Delete! Author's Special Attack – Rejected!


	3. Chapter Three

_Author's Notes:_

Iwazaru: It's not my fault we took so long!

Mizaru: Yeah, Kikazaru became distracted.

Kikazaru: WINGED BISHIES! Krad is shiny…

Iwazaru: Anyway, after this chapter, we will have to move this story to adult fan fiction. Yay! There will be happy hot man-sex!

Iwazaru: (deadpan) Don't expect much. It's my first time.

Kikazaru & Mizaru: (cackle maniacally)

_Chapter 3_

_Bulma._

The young scientist jumped and looked around, certain she had heard someone calling for her. If it was that asshole again, so soon after she'd repaired the gravity chamber, he was _so_ going to get it!

_Bulma, I have finished collecting the dragon balls. _

Bulma's eyes widened and she sat up straight. "Piccolo?"

_Yes. Now, come meet us at Dende's Lookout. I am collecting Goku's woman as we speak._

"Right, I'm on my way!" Bulma stood quickly, trembling with excitement. This was it!

Barely remembering to shut off her computer and lock up the lab, Bulma scooped up her fastest encapsulated air bike and raced for the door.

"Vegeta, I'm going out!" Bulma called as she dashed out, noticing him preparing to enter the gravity chamber. "If you break that thing in less than three hours, I _swear to god_—!"

"Your harping is grating on my nerves, woman!" Vegeta snarled back, glaring at her. "Now be gone from my sight before I conveniently forget those damnable vows you tricked me into and vaporize you where you stand!"

Bulma's eye twitched and she threw the capsule to the ground. "Oooh, just you wait, Vegeta," she grumbled under her breath. "I'll get you back for everything."

"Not in a million years, woman!" Vegeta's short, mocking laugh echoed across the yard. "I am Vegeta, PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!"

"Yeah, yeah," Bulma grumbled. "We are all very impressed and intimidated yadda yadda. See you around, Veg-head!"

By the time Bulma managed to get to the top of Dende's Lookout, Piccolo, Chi-Chi, and the demi-god himself were gathered around the dragon balls, discussing what wishes were to be made.

"I realize Vegeta and Goku are not exactly harmonious," Dende was saying, looking worried, "but do you really think using Shenron will fix that?"

"Who knows?" Chi-Chi shrugged, dismissing the matter. "We're doing it."

"If I didn't know any better, I would say you weren't actually doing this for peace between Goku and Vegeta," Piccolo rumbled, crossing his arms.

"Of course she's not," Bulma agreed, joining them. "It just happens to be an added bonus. Ready, Chi-Chi?"

Chi-Chi's lips curled into an eager and ever-so-slightly sinister smile. "Oh, yes…"

"Excellent," Bulma rubbed her hands together and turned her attention to the seven small golden balls. "Dende, would you like to do the honors?"

Dende glanced at the two women warily before sighing and raising his hands. Whatever happened, it couldn't be that bad, he reasoned. "Arise, Shenron! Rise, and hear our wishes!"

Almost immediately the dragon balls began to pulse and glow as the sky darkened and lightening struck around them. There was a low, bone-deep roar before the balls gave one more pulse and a great golden light shot up into the sky.

"I know it may be a little late to ask," Dende called to Bulma as the dragon began to materialize, "but you are sure that these wishes of yours won't have any ill-effects… right?"

Bulma considered this seriously for a moment. "Well…to be completely honest with you, Dende, after this, Goku and Vegeta will end up making peace or destroying the world. I'm really not sure which, though."

"_Wha_—"Dende's panicked exclamation was cut short as Shenron spoke.

"**_For what reason have I been summoned here?_**" The Eternal Dragon demanded, eyeing Dende.

"To grant our wishes!" Bulma called, pulling his attention to her, and immediately regretting it.

"**_Speak your wishes,_**" he commanded, "**_and if it is within my power to grant them, they shall be yours._**"

Bulma gulped and grinned up at the dragon. "My first wish is that Earth's moon be brought back _without_ the ability to turn Saiyans into that giant monkey form—"

"Oozaru," Piccolo muttered.

"—Oozaru!" Bulma added, flashing a wink at Piccolo in thanks.

Shenron was silent for a long moment before his red eyes flared. "**_It has been done. What is your second wish?_**"

Thrilled that their plan was working so successfully, Bulma grinned up at Shenron. "My second wish—"

"Shit!" Piccolo growled, cutting Bulma off. "Goku is almost here!"

"What!" Chi-Chi screeched. She turned to her coconspirator. "Hurry, Bulma!"

"Right!" Bulma turned back to the dragon and blurted out her wish quickly. "I wish Vegeta and Goku had their tails back!"

There was a shift in the air, and suddenly Goku was standing beside Chi-Chi, looking around curiously. "Huh. I _thought_ I sensed someone summoning Shenron. Hey, Bulma, what are we going to wish fo—_aahh_!"

Bulma watched avidly as Goku howled, his hands going to grip his back side as he danced from foot to foot. He sank to his knees, crying out as his hands clawing at the seat of his pants.

"Goku?" Chi-Chi called, worried over the distressing sounds that her husband was making.

"It hurts!" Goku moaned. "Chi-Chi—_aaahhh_!"

There was a sound of cloth tearing as Goku screamed, and he pitched forward on his hand and knees as a brown, thick, furry tail shot out through the hole in his pants and began to flail around wildly.

"**_Your wishes have been granted,_**" Shenron boomed. "**_And now, I go._**"

The dragon returned to the balls, which immediately became stones, and they all watched them soar up into the sky before zooming away.

Bulma turned her full attention on the Saiyan man that was now sitting on the floor, looking barely winded. "Goku, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine now," Goku said, turning this way and that to try to catch a hold of his still-waving tail. "Only." He threw a confused look at Bulma and Chi-Chi as he finally caught it gently and began to stroke it calmly. "Why do I have my tail back?"

"Obviously it's because that was one of our wishes!" Bulma snapped, tapping her foot. "Where the hell is that jackass? He's—"

"_Woman_!" Vegeta's roar as he reached the Lookout, powered up to level two in his fury, shook the very stones beneath their feet. Bulma smiled, turning to meet Vegeta's rage full on.

"You did this!" The Saiyan Prince yelled, his black tail lashing back and forth, echoing his anger. "I know you did!"

"I did," Bulma agreed, crossing her arms smugly.

Vegeta's glare turned darker, and he stepped towards her threateningly. "Then I suggest you _undo_ it. Right now!"

Bulma shrugged and replied pleasantly. "Sorry, Vegeta. I can't."

Vegeta nearly shook with anger now, his tail bristling. "What do you mean 'can't'!"

"Oh, hey!" Goku cried, looking at Vegeta's tail. "You got yours back, too! That's great, Vegeta!"

"_Idiot_!" Vegeta howled, slamming his fist into Goku's face. "In _what way_ is this a _good_ thing!"

Goku, caught off guard, had taken the hit fully and slid back a few feet. He rubbed his face, wincing a little. "Ow! Geez, Vegeta, I was only saying that we'll be stronger now, that's all. You didn't have to hit me."

Vegeta's temper snapped, and he tilted his head back to scream into the sky. "I am_ surrounded _bycomplete _morons!_"

"That's not a nice thing to say about Bulma and Chi-Chi," Goku pointed out.

"The moon, you _idiot_!" Vegeta snarled, pointing up. "Have you not even noticed the damn _moon_!"

Goku looked up and could just barely make out the almost full moon against the bright sky. "Oh, wow! Will you look at that? It really is back!" He looked back to Bulma. "Did you wish for that, too, Bulma?"

"Yep!" Bulma grinned back at the man.

"You have completely lost your mind, woman!" Vegeta raved. "You must have, to have forgotten _what happens_ the night of the full moon!"

Bulma traded sly looks with Chi-Chi. "Actually," she drawled, "we're kind of counting on it."

"_What_!"

"Goku, dear," Chi-Chi called to her husband. "We made special changes to this new moon, so it is perfectly alright for you and the others to look at it when it's full. Remember to let Gohan know about it, too."

"Sure thing, Chi-Chi!" Goku cheered. "This is going to be so neat! I haven't watched a full moon in forever!"

"Of course. Bulma," Chi-Chi called, wandering away with Goku. "Give me a call later on tonight so we can finish up…things."

"Sure thing, Chi-Chi!" Bulma promised, returning to her air bike as Vegeta took off in a furious huff. She waved at the two Namekians over her shoulder. "Thanks for the help guys!"

Dende offered a weak smile and wave. "Any…time?"

After the women and their respective husbands had zoomed off out of sight, the Guardian of Earth turned to Piccolo.

"Do you think we did the right thing?" He asked hesitantly.

Piccolo sighed. "Probably not. In fact, I'm willing to bet that they'll end up destroying the earth in less than a month."

Dende echoed his mentor's sigh. "Probably. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to the Kais."

_Ending Notes:_

Mizaru: While editing the scene where Vegeta and Goku get tails, I had an epiphany. Vegeta is a kitty. Therefore, I was forced to edit accordingly (hence, his tail must bristle, etc.).

Iwazaru: Yes…and Goku is a puppy.

Kikazaru: (Squeals) Vegeta-kitty! I want fan art now!

Mizaru: Kikazaru is not allowed to speak with anything other than exclamation points.

Kikazaru: Dammit!

Iwazaru: At least Kikazaru would notice tense changes, without saying "Hey! That's past tense. When did it change to past tense? I missed it (forlorn)."

Kikazaru: It's like she went to the bathroom in the middle of the movie, and realized when she came back that she missed something important.

Mizaru: (hurriedly) This is too long, Editing Chop!


	4. Chapter Four

Author's notes:

Mizaru: After much meditation…

Iwazaru: Meditating? You mean smut-itating!

Kikazaru: Yay!

Mizaru: As I was saying, after much smut-itating, and even more editing, the new chapter is complete!

Iwazaru: Thank God! Although I'm not really sure God had much to do with this chapter…

Kikazaru: Although I'm sure that there is a Kami of smut somewhere!

Mizaru: I'll go ahead and forestall any technical criticsm by saying that in the spirit of DBZ timelines (or lack thereof), Iwazaru has declared that Goku and Chi-Chi have been married for approximately eighteen years.

Kikazaru: Also, I would like to comment that, no matter what happens, everyone will stay humanoid in this story! I might could do sado-masochism, but not giant monkey sex! Well…maybe…

Iwazaru: No! Absolutely not!

Kikazaru: Damn it!

Mizaru: Enough, on to the fic…

Chapter 4

Being a genius was incredibly useful, Bulma reflected. Oh, Chi-Chi was all gung-ho about carrying out "the plan." All Bulma had to do was mention the magic word, grandchildren, and Chi-Chi lit up like a city being attacked by random, hitherto unknown Saiyan villains. Unfortunately, Chi-Chi wasn't much of a planner. Making their wishes was all well and good, but they needed a cover story to keep from being killed by Vegeta once they accomplished their goal. Bulma had every intention of reaping the rewards of her efforts. To that end, she had thought of a deceptively simple, and yet vaguely plausible story.

"_Woman!"_

Bulma parked her air bike and deftly returned it to its capsule. She turned to see Vegeta storming over to her, predictable as always. She took a seat at the patio table, settling back as she prepared for the battle of wits with the vegetable prince. The jerk wouldn't know what hit him.

"What kind of demented conspiracy are you and that Chi-Chi woman cooking up," Vegeta demanded.

Bulma cocked her head to the side and smiled vaguely. "It's simple, really, Veg-head. You see, Chi-Chi and I were out having a girl's night and, well…you know how it is. We started drinking, and talking. Chi-Chi doesn't usually indulge in such things, but once you get her going…" Bulma paused as if reminiscing on the night. "Anyway, we realized that we both thought tails were rather cute, and it was a shame that you and Goku couldn't keep yours because of various circumstances. Therefore, we black-mailed Piccolo into fetching the dragon balls for us so that we could remedy the situation. After we had sobered up the next morning, we realized that the whole idea was rather silly. However, Piccolo had already gotten everything set up, so we figured, what-the-hey; one wish is as good as another."

Vegeta, quite understandably, looked completely mystified. "Uh," he leaned against the other patio chair. Then he paced a bit, scowling as he attempted to digest this newest oddity the woman had shown him. Then he went back to the patio set and collapsed into a chair as gracefully as stunned royalty could. "Woman," he proclaimed, glaring up at her finally, "you are hereby banned from all things alcoholic. I do not want to ever have to listen to a description involving you, female-bonding, and alcohol ever again."

Bulma made a token protest, but this was exactly the reaction that she had been hoping for. Anyway, maybe this would get him to stop complaining about her nicotine addiction. Now all she and Chi-Chi had to do was wait two weeks for the next full moon.

* * *

For the first time in almost eighteen years, Goku found himself curling up in his old bedroom, banished from Chi-Chi's room. It was strange, and as hard as he thought, he couldn't think of a single thing he did wrong that day. He'd stayed for breakfast and went training. That was all.

Goku yawned and stretched, feeling the heavy weight of sleep pressing down on him. He'd just have to wait until tomorrow, he thought, and ask Chi-Chi. His tail flicked back and forth lazily as he fell into a light doze and smiled. He was really glad Chi-Chi had let him have his tail back…

_Ba-bump!_

Goku sat up in surprise. He looked around, searching for whatever it was that woke him. There was nothing. There were no abnormal energies around his home, and his room itself seemed just as he'd left it. Smaller, maybe, and hotter, too, now that Goku thought about it. Sweat covered his chest and made his hair hang down limply.

Goku stood abruptly, his tail twitching in agitation as he began to pace his room. Was it just him, or was the room really shrinking? The air was stale and smothering, making him feel sticky, and thirsty. Goku swallowed thickly, his eyes falling on the window briefly. He was very thirsty.

In the next moment, Goku realized that he was standing at the window, his hands already moving to push the frame out carefully. The cool breeze felt great on his damp skin, and Goku braced his hands on the windowsill, breathing in gulps of the fresh air. It smelled great. Like freedom and hunting and everything he'd ever felt coming straight from his gut.

His heart raced in excitement as the sudden, overwhelming urge to go training gripped him tightly. Goku could feel his energy start to rise as the cool night air slid around him. He could hear a part of him howling for it. _Run, hunt, fight, take, have!_

The grass was soft under Goku's bare feet and he turned to look back at his house briefly. The domed house seemed to grow smaller and smaller, until he shuddered at the thought of ever stepping inside the tiny place.

Goku turned back to the forest just a few feet away, and felt his lips pull back from his teeth in a wide, feral grin. Go back to that tiny place, when he had _this_? There was wild, untamable, boundless freedom all around him. He tipped his head back, still grinning, and staring up at the full moon.

_Ba-bump_!

His heart hammered all the way up to his throat, and the world pulsed red in time to it. Goku took deep, rasping breaths as the world seemed to fall away into clearer focus. The grass that had previously felt soft and comfortable beneath his feet was sharp and scratchy now, and Goku could hardly stand it. The moon had changed, too. It glowed and pulsed blood red, stirring to life things lying dormant in Goku's body, unleashing violent, base urges.

Tearing his gaze from the bloody moon, Goku turned back to the forest, and knew he should be surprised at how different everything looked. But it seemed more normal, more right, than it ever had before. Everything was shades of black and red cast by the moon and shadows. These were _his_ grounds! His!

The wind whipped around Goku, bringing to him a hundred different scents. Grass, earth, prey, water…Other. Goku's attention sharpened until that scent was all that existed in his world. The scent of another male. Intentional, assertive, trespassing.

Invader! Goku felt his chest vibrate as a snarl worked its way up and through his clenched teeth. He had to fight! The male was coming to take what belong to him! This was _his_ territory, _his_ grounds!

The male's scent was easier to follow than a beaten path, and Goku was moving after it faster than a thought. He had to confront the male. He had to fight him. This forest belonged to him. All of it was _his!_ The male wouldn't take it away! He wouldn't let him. He'd kill him first!

There! The forest broke before him as Goku neared the challenger. He stood panting harshly in the center of the field. Sweat slipped down Goku's hard muscles as he glared at the intruder. The male's skin, the only thing untouched by the red around them, glowed a pale white. He turned, and his endless black eyes ringed in red returned Goku's attention.

Then Goku was upon him with a roar of fury, his fist making a satisfying crunching noise as it connected with the male's jaw. His other fist landed only an instant later, catching the male low in the stomach. Pain bloomed in his side as his second hit made contact, and he felt his ribs shatter.

Goku leapt back half a step, feeling his lips stretching in the same wide grin from before. Saw the male's answering fierce smile, and returned to the fight. The male was strong! He could feel it in every attack, and felt his grin grow wider as they fought. He wanted more. More! This was fun!

The male's kick sent Goku back into a boulder, shattering it to rubble. Before he could move, the male was over him, claws tearing across his chest. Goku howled in pain and landed three solid hits to the male's face before he gave way. Snarling now, Goku grabbed the male and slammed him back into the ground. He mounted the male, pinning him with his knees as he continued his relentless attack. He was blocked and blocked and blocked until he screamed from the frustration of it all. The male was down! He had lost, and still the male fought off Goku's killing blows! Still he fought back. He was strong! Goku's bared his teeth in a wider snarl. This was excitement, and the thrill that he had been craving ever since he got his first view of the moon.

Goku's fist buried itself in the ground less than a breath away from the male's head, and the male took the moment to make his attack. The claws moved in a blur, Goku pulled back a fraction of a second too late, and the deadly talons pierce the back of his neck as the male took hold. Goku snarled in anger, his hand moving from the ground to the back of the male's head. He'd crush the male's head before he lost! He tightened his grip on the male, pulling him up until their snarling, rasping breaths mingled, until the scent of the male was all there was.

"Mine," Goku rasped, his eyes flaring hotly. He could feel blood trickling down his fingers as his claws cut into the male's skull.

The male snarled up at him, an endless, all-encompassing fury burning in his eyes. There was no acknowledgement of defeat. No acceptance of submission, and Goku's pulse raced in excitement at the thought of an endless battle. He growled, and tightened his grip, feeling the blood flow more freely.

Vegeta dug his claws into Goku's neck in response, and before the larger man could react, jerked him down into a savage, bloody kiss. Vegeta's body thrilled in anticipation as Goku's hold on him loosened only for a fraction of a second. His fist moved in a blur, and Goku took the impact fully in his side, the already broken ribs piercing his lung. He coughed, sliding to the side and freeing Vegeta.

The moment Vegeta was loose, he gained his feet and raced for the relative safety of the tree line. Then Goku was after him, already recovering from the blow. A clawed hand snagged the back of the tattered remains of Vegeta's training suit, leaving bloody marks down his back. Vegeta grunted as Goku jerked him back into the wall of rock, the impact crushing the stone into little more than a large rock. He braced himself on the rock, coughing up a mouthful of blood.

Before he could turn to defend himself, Goku was there again, one clawed hand digging into Vegeta's waist. He snarled in fury, trapped over the rock now, and hating the loss it meant.

Goku stood close behind him, close enough that Vegeta could feel the throbbing length pressed hard against him. He shuddered, growling as he felt himself arching back towards Goku, his body already accepting what was to come.

The coarse cotton of Goku's underwear chaffed against Vegeta, and he dug his claws into the rock with a snarl. His tail whipped back to hook through the top of his shorts. A sharp jerk, and the annoyance was gone, leaving only flesh against flesh.

Goku's other hand gripped Vegeta's shoulder, and Vegeta felt a warm tongue run over the bleeding wounds on his back. Then Goku was pushing forward, harsh and unrelenting, and the claws in his side dug deeper. Vegeta arched back, his head lifting in a ragged howl of pleasure and pain as he was claimed.

* * *

Chi-Chi jumped up from her chair in the living room, clutching the phone to her ear. The howling echoed through the room, and she gulped, wondering for the first time if this plan of theirs was a good idea.

"Chi-Chi?" Bulma called over the phone line. "Are you alright?"

"I…" Chi-Chi swallowed. "I heard howling," she finished unsteadily.

"Howling?" Bulma repeated. "Well…was it a good kind of howling?"

Chi-Chi blushed at the implication. "How would I know that!" she demanded.

"Well…either way," Bulma pointed out pragmatically, "it means we have some kind of result. I figure we have about fifty-fifty odds. Maybe one of them killed the other, or maybe they're just having some happy Saiyan sex."

Chi-Chi shook her head and sat back down. "I suppose you're right. One thing I am sure of, I absolutely refuse to go out and check. We'll just have to wait and see if they both come home."

"I agree," Bulma nodded. She paused suddenly, a thought occurring to her. "You don't think…"

"What?" Chi-Chi pressed when the woman trailed off ominously.

"Well. We're off the hook for Vegeta finding out, but you don't think he'll turn on Goku, do you? I mean, they have been rivals ever since they met each other. Vegeta might resent being forced into having sex with Goku."

Chi-Chi tensed. "But…he wouldn't risk a miscarriage with the children, would he?" she demanded. "I mean, that would just ruin _everything_!"

"Hmm." Bulma thought it over for a long moment. "Ah, I'm sure it'll work out," she said cheerfully, shrugging the matter off.

* * *

-Insert Usual Pleading Here-

R&R!

Ending Usual Pleading Insert-


End file.
